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You know that feeling when you walk into a test, know you are going to fail, finish first because you guessed on every question, and just left the rest blank? After you turn it in, you go to the bathroom for the rest of the period because you feel so awkward, but at the same time, so liberated because you just DGAFFED so hard and you want to walk around the school for lack of anything better to do.... you just feel too confined by the classroom and want to roam as a way of metaphorically giving the finger to the man... 

you know that feeling? 
I FEEL THAT WAY ALL THE TIME NOW. 

I just got home from Chinese and I've never been home so early. 
Today, we had a test. 
and that feeling I just described... well... when you are trying to bullshit a Chinese test that you utterly know nothing about because you haven't made it to class since the last test... it's about that feeling times a gazillion. 

I literally don't know what I even wrote. I was supposed to read and write complete sentences in characters based off of a passage.... I wrote one word answers in English. It gets to that point where you don't even give it the bare minimum... because you know that isn't going to get you any further. 

that. screwed. 

Second Semester Senior year... I've truly learned nothing. Well, nothing in school anyway. and that isn't to say that my teachers have given up teaching, I wish someone else could take this burden and leave me to point fingers... but life's not like that. Only I, will ultimately bear the burden of my actions. 

However, I have learned some things... some cliches, some realizations, some with funny stories behind them. 

These are SOME of the things I've learned. 

1) When it rains, it pours, and you'll find it easier to stay inside than bother to go outside and drown. what you really should do, is learn to swim. When times are tough, it's better to face the world than stay inside and crust. Mood follows behavior, behavior does not follow mood. 

2) There is no such thing as the word "try". you either do something or you don't. 

3) the internet, is both the love of my life and the thing I hate the most. It is both good and evil. This past month, I had someone a bit random but extremely kind (if you read my blog, I appreciate you more than you know) send me a wonderful inbox paying me a wonderful compliment.. That was a sign that facebook can be used for the good. A week later or so, someone wrote a blog about me... and it wasn't nice. Which I guess just goes to show the next thing I learned which is.... 

4) There are no absolutes. There is no black, or white, no good, or evil, just everything in between. Are good actions "good" if they are spurred by "bad" motives? are "bad" actions "bad" if they are spurred by good motives? No one knows... everything is just a shade of gray. is it not? 

5) There's nothing else left to do but keep moving on. As people, we will all recover from everything we go through.... as regina spektor once said "and everyone must breathe until their dying breath." wise woman, she is. 

6) getting exactly what you deserve is either the best or the very worst feeling in the world. failing a class because you didn't turn one thing in, sucks. getting an a because you worked your ass off, is incredible. when you work your hind parts to the bone, and get a b, well that's a sign that life isn't fair. 

7) Life isn't fair. 

8) I hate my dog. Unfairly, but refer to number 7. I really hate my dog. 

9)  Contrary to everything I have previously believed about the American Dream and it's demise.... A part of me has recently had a change of heart and I think it may have a little kick left. Hard work, works. Being smart, isn't enough anymore.... If you are smart and don't work hard, you are an idiot for not working hard... because the idiot that works hard is ultimately going to a)catch up to you and b) get their way because of the integrity that they have. being a smart lazy ass.... makes you a lazy ass. that, I learned the hard way. 

10) Every single person has something to offer, and everyone ultimately has something in common. You can hate, but why.... We're all traveling on our own roads. some on the busiest roads there are, some are wandering by themselves. either way, we are all traveling.
 

Idk. 
felt like writing. 

mehr.